{"id":1181,"date":"2015-06-22T08:11:14","date_gmt":"2015-06-22T06:11:14","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/elisabeth-karsten.de\/de-en\/"},"modified":"2018-05-18T10:05:29","modified_gmt":"2018-05-18T08:05:29","slug":"fear-of-the-other-shame-and-vulnerability","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/elisabeth-karsten.de\/en\/fear-of-the-other-shame-and-vulnerability\/","title":{"rendered":"Fear of the other: shame and vulnerability"},"content":{"rendered":"<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">The American social researcher Bren\u00e9 Brown, known to a broader public since her fantastic TEDx talks about vulnerability in 2010, has also written quite a number of books. I\u2019m presently reading \u201cDaring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way we Live, Love, Parent and Lead.\u201d Her book shows how to deal with shame.<\/p>\n<h2>Survey of shame<\/h2>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">I\u00b4m thrilled about her writing style as well as about her most insightful content. The third chapter of the book is about the kinds of shame or rather the \u201cshame gremlins\u201d and how one can successfully deal with them. In that chapter she also describes how shocked she was to realize that men struggle no less with shame and vulnerability than women. Men suffer similarly and experience their according pain similarly \u2013 albeit for different reasons due to the role models of our society.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">A key moment for her was, when a father and husband thanked her for her talk on shame and asked her how she assessed the shame of men. She answered truthfully, that she didn\u00b4t know because she had only interviewed women. The man only nodded and said: \u201cWell. How convenient.\u201d Tense, she asked: \u201cWhy convenient?\u201d And he replied: \u201cDo you really want to know?\u201d Reluctantly she said yes and his eyes welling up with tears, he said: \u201cWe have shame. Deep shame. But when we reach out and share our stories, we get the emotional shit beat out of us\u2026My wife and daughters \u2013 the ones you signed all of those books for \u2013 they\u00b4d rather see me die on top my white horse than watch me fall off. You say you want us to be vulnerable and real, but c\u2019mon. You can\u2019t stand it. It makes you sick, to see us like that.\u201d<\/p>\n<h2>Women and men suffer from shame &#8211; for different reasons<\/h2>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">Since that encounter Bren\u00e9 Brown began interviewing men and finally realized that: \u201c\u2026that if we\u2019re going to find our way out of shame, it will be together.\u201d Then she goes on to describe, what she observed \u201chow we hurt each other and how we need each other to heal.\u201d She concludes: \u201cThe messages and expectations that fuel shame are most definitely organized by gender, but the experience of shame is universal and deeply human.\u201d<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"text-align: justify;\">Shame triggers for women<\/h2>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">For women she collected the following definitions of shame:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">Look perfect. Do perfect. Be perfect. Anything less than that is shaming.\u201d<\/li>\n<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">Being judged by other mothers.<\/li>\n<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">Being exposed \u2013 the flawed parts of yourself that you want to hide from everyone are revealed.<\/li>\n<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">No matter what I achieve or how far I\u00b4ve come, where I come from and what I\u00b4ve survived will always keep me from feeling like I\u00b4m good enough.<\/li>\n<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">Even though everyone knows that there\u2019s no way to do it all, everyone still expects it. Shame is when you can\u2019t pull off looking like it\u00b4s under control.<\/li>\n<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">Never enough at home. Never enough at work. Never enough in bed. Never enough with my parents. Shame is never enough.<\/li>\n<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">No seat at the cool table. The pretty girls are laughing.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">I believe that this generally also applies to German women and perhaps the women in the Western world. Laconically she states that the main trigger of shame for women is still based on their appearance \u2013 after all those years of development in gender awareness and emancipation. The shame about not being slender, young and beautiful enough. Another main theme for American women is motherhood: if you have children you constantly have to (let) compare yourself and your own children with others. If you don\u00b4t have children you\u00b4re less worth as a woman\u2026<\/p>\n<h2>In Germany it seems a bit different<\/h2>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">As a childless single I cannot confirm this experience living in Germany. As a matter of fact I noticed in contact with Americans that they are often amazed of how little relevance the actual relationship status and family situation apparently is to the self-worth of the Germans. I have no data, but I can easily imagine we might be having many more unmarried couples and lose \u2018patchwork families\u2019 in German in relation to our overall population than in the US.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">However there are times of course when the lack of a partner (especially among single Moms) and the lack of children (especially among those who would really like some) trigger shame and pain. The shame\u2026to have failed in some way\u2026and not to be good enough.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">What Brown summarizes for the American women probably applies to women in the Western world in general: basically women have to move all the time in a tight web of contradictions:<\/p>\n<h2>A web of contradictions puts women in a constant quandary<\/h2>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">\u201cBe perfect, but don\u00b4t make a fuss about it and don\u00b4t take time away from anything, like your family or your partner or your work, to achieve perfection. If you\u00b4re really good, perfection should be easy.<\/li>\n<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">Don\u00b4t upset anyone or hurt anyone\u00b4s feelings, but say what\u00b4s on your mind.<\/li>\n<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">Dial the sexuality way up (after the kids are don, the dog is walked and the house is clean), but dial it way down at the PTO meeting. And, geez, whatever you do, don\u00b4t confuse the two \u2013 you know how we talk about those PTO sexspots.<\/li>\n<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">Just be yourself, but not if it means being shy or unsure. There\u2019s nothing sexier than self-confidence (especially if you\u00b4re young and smokin\u2019 hot)<\/li>\n<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">Don\u00b4t make people feel uncomfortable, but be honest.<\/li>\n<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">Don\u00b4t get too emotional, but don\u00b4t be too detached either. Too emotional and you\u00b4re hysterical. Too detached and you\u00b4re coldhearted bitch.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">For German women one could perhaps add complementing and summarizing: \u201cDo your best, but be easy to get along with.\u201d<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"text-align: justify;\">Shame triggers for men<\/h2>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">In her interviews with men about shame she collected the following definitions of shame:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">Shame is failure. At work. On the football field. In your marriage. In bed. With money. With your children. It doesn\u00b4t matter \u2013 shame is failure.<\/li>\n<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">Shame is being wrong. Not doing wrong, but being wrong.<\/li>\n<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">Shame is a sense of being defective.<\/li>\n<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">Shame happens when people think you\u00b4re soft. It\u00b4s degrading and shaming to be seen as anything but tough.<\/li>\n<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">Revealing any weakness is shaming. Basically shame is weakness.<\/li>\n<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">Showing fear is shameful. You can\u00b4t show fear. You can\u00b4t be afraid \u2013 no matter what.<\/li>\n<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">Shame is being seen as \u201cthe guy you can shove up against the lockers.\u201d<\/li>\n<li style=\"text-align: justify;\">Our worst fear is being critized or ridiculed \u2013 either one of these is extremely shaming.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">According to Brown \u201c&#8230;men live under the pressure of one unrelenting message: Do not be perceived as weak.\u201d Complementing and summarizing one could perhaps add for German men: \u201cNever avoid anything, but always be strong.\u201d<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"text-align: justify;\">She has to be beautiful, he has to be strong.<\/h2>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">In other words shame for women is essentially about appearance, for men it\u00b4s essentially about performance. To not adhere to the social norms and\/or the expectations of schools and family means major danger \u2013 and can have traumatic consequences. Gifts and dreams remain unlived because the fear of rejection by those whose acknowledgement seems existential is too big. And in any case the truth of one\u00b4s being has no chance under these conditions. Many prefer self-denial to the possible loss of belonging and potential withdrawal of love.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">For women one of the consequences of this fear not to attractive enough (anymore) \u2013 especially to the man whom they love most \u2013 is investing tons of money and time in cosmetics, diets and clothes. In extreme cases that can lead to eating disorders.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">For men one of the consequences to appear unbearably weak \u2013 especially in the eyes of the woman who they love most and whose pain facing their own weakness they cannot stand is the sealing off of one\u00b4s own feelings. They actually forbid themselves to be afraid or vulnerable \u2013 according to the famous motto: \u201cA soldier knows no pain.\u201d<\/p>\n<h2>&#8220;A guy shouldn\u00b4t cry&#8221;<\/h2>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">Often there is some key moment during puberty that makes them suppress their feelings of weakness and that is then replaced by the anger of having to suppress these feelings \u2013 just how many men are struggling with their conscious and subconscious aggressions?<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">A particularly shame loaded field of course is in the area of sexual encounters. Men often have the feeling, not to be \u201cgood enough\u201d for the other and actually only want to be accepted unconditionally. Women in turn are afraid of not being beautiful enough \u2013 and only want to be accepted unconditionally. In the end it\u00b4s the fear of not being worthy of the love of the other. Evidently it\u00b4s about the fear of being rejected because of what is considered one\u00b4s biggest flaw. In a healthy intimacy there is space for all fears and their acknowledgement and that can actually strengthen the connection and intimacy. But it needs to be developed first.<\/p>\n<h2 style=\"text-align: justify;\">Ways out of shame<\/h2>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">Browns entire book is about the many areas of shame and the various strategies in dealing with it and that very hands-on. If you want to more and in more detail then I can strongly recommend reading the book.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">Here I will confine myself to a rather general approach in dealing constructively with shame. Of course one of the main roots in women as in men is a lack of the feeling of self-worth.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">So one the one hand it is crucial to develop a healthy self-worth and that can be practiced to a certain extend. For instance it\u00b4s important to not compare yourself with others all the time \u2013 and if you do it to be aware that the others probably have similar issues to deal with, even if it doesn\u00b4t seem that way\u2026 It\u00b4s also helpful to become clear about the fact that it serves no-one if one suffers for the sake of someone else. For this pain, this suffering is tedious and torturous in the long run than possible shame about revealing one\u00b4s truth about one\u00b4s true state. The admission of one\u00b4s truth usually allows for more authenticity of all concerned and therefore enables true love to take the place of some strange role play, that one never properly manages and that ruins one in the end.<\/p>\n<p style=\"text-align: justify;\">On the other hand it is highly important to honor others, especially our loved ones, exactly when they appear vulnerable and struggle with their own self-love. Even if it raises your own insecurities \u2013 the best way then is to address that directly. That is probably the main key anyway \u2013 to talk about the \u2018shame demons\u2019 as honestly as possible. Then thy lose their horrible appearance in time and sometimes disappear altogether. For example because most human beings also are well aware of that experience which means it is in truth something that connects us \u2013 not something that separates us. And of course it is helpful not to take oneself nor the others too seriously and to trust generally that the courage to be truthful, lots of humor and infinite amounts of love are always a good approach.<\/p>\n<h2>Speak honestly about your feelings of shame<\/h2>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The American social researcher Bren\u00e9 Brown, known to a broader public since her fantastic TEDx talks about vulnerability in 2010, has also written quite a number of books. I\u2019m presently reading \u201cDaring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way we Live, Love, Parent and Lead.\u201d Her book shows how to deal with [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":1339,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[213],"tags":[259,250],"class_list":["post-1181","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-essays-en","tag-pychology","tag-society"],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v26.0 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>The fear of being judged by others leads to shame.<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"The American social researcher Bren\u00e9 Brown has become an expert for shame and vulnerability in our society. 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